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Living Life Out Loud... The Trainer Family


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Fighting With Myself

Posted on February 27, 2013 at 8:20 PM Comments comments ()

     It seems that I have been fighting the same ole' battle for the majority of my life...weight loss. I can remember clearly that it all started at about age ten. I was accompanying my Aunt on a visit to some of her in-laws. As I sat there quietly while the adults talked, they somehow got onto the subject of me. Comments were made right in front of me on how I was such a pretty young girl, but a little 'chunky' for my age. I was mortified! It hurt my feelings and I have never forgotten that moment. It's not like they were all beauty queens themselves, but did I talk about that? No. Then once in high school a preppy, but rather popular boy sat behind me in one of my classes. He made the comment one day that he would ask me out if I would lose some weight. SERIOUSLY!?! I whirled around in my seat, glared at him and lashed back verbally stating " And what makes you think I'd even go?" That shut him up for a few years. But I did run into him again years later during one of the periods when my weight was totally under control and I was nice and slim. While out with friends, he had the nerve to come up to me and ask if I wanted to go take a ride in his new fancy car with him. Ugh! Knowing this was my prime opportunity for the ultimate revenge, I pretended to be honored that he gave me the time of day and told him yes that I'd love to. I told him to go pull his car around while I made a quick trip to the restroom and then I would meet him outside. Once he left to go get his fancy ride, my friends and I left out the back door of the establishment leaving him there to wonder what happened. Revenge may be wrong, but doing that felt really great at the time! I have not run across him since and would probably have to laugh if I did. Stupid Jerk!  I would suspect that these instances are why I get so uptight when I hear someone talk about someone's weight problem right in front of them, not considering their feelings at all. I know how that feels. It doesn't feel any better for a husband or boyfriend to notice another female out loud, boasting about how good she looks or how sexy she is right in front of their devoted mate. That's just hateful and disrespectful to the person that would probably give anything not only to look as good as what has grabbed her man's attention, but also hear those words directed her way every now and then. This can go both ways too ladies. One has to remember that weight is one of those problems some people have that one really can't hide like other issues you may have. Wonder how some people would like it should they have financial problems and they were forced to have it labled on their forehead for all to know and see like ' I have real bad credit!'? Sometimes people should just keep their thoughts or opinions to themselves rather than open their mouths and reveal what prejudice idiots they can be. So, now everyone knows 'how' I feel regarding my weight issue, let us move on.

I noticed not long ago when I had made a biography picture video of myself, that I seemed to be a different size in every stupid picture! Now that I will be standing at the door of the big 50 this year, I know it will only get harder to take off or keep off the pounds. Other 'woman issues' soon to be coming around the bend aren't helping me out either. Most days when I start to get dressed for the day, battling the clothes in my closet only makes me want to slam my head into a brick wall. Standing tall at five foot nothing, I have a figure that I have never found in any magazine for sure! But if I were about five foot six in height, all may just portion out perfect. Yeah, like that's gonna happen! I have this horrid vision of myself around age 60, looking like an oompa-loompa from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory movies!

     I have tried all of the fad diets, the tricks and supplements and I read everything that I can get my hands on to keep up with what's working for everyone else. That doesn't mean it will work for me though. I walk/run and then work out for forty-five minutes four out of seven days every week. I am under Physician care and take Phentermine to help with appetite and it does increase my energy levels enough to exercise most every day, plus controls my ADHD well too. I drink water and attempt to usually always eat right. That is not the easiest thing to do in this house. My husband hates healthy foods and tries his best not to eat them if he can help it. He also has heart and blood pressure problems, but that doesn't keep him in line when it comes to eating healthy. It must be nice to just ignore everything and do whatever you want when it comes to eating. The only times I ever stopped caring was once when I was pregnant with my first child. I gained 60 pounds during my daily honey bun & chocolate milk frenzy! The second time was during a past horrible marriage situation. When low self-esteem, depression and domestic violence issues took over my life, I could have cared less what or how much I ate. Needless to say, I was a whopper, gaining up to 300 pounds in a five foot tall body. That's the most weight I've ever carried and I never want to go back there for sure! My blood pressure would run 155/110 even with no physical exertion.

     Back years ago when I would ping pong back and forth with my weight, once I set my mind to lose and get with it, my skin seemed to just bounce back and forth with me. It would just shrink back into place as I lost and all was fine with my world until I fell off the weight wagon again. Now a days that no longer seems to be the case as I fight jiggles and have the ability to grab handfulls of loose skin I obviously don't need. I look like someone let the air out me! Now what? Lotions don't work, exercises aren't working, special drinks and supplements aren't working either. As for 'spanks' and all the other totally uncomfortable lady gizmos that claim to hold it all in... PLEASE!! Trust me, it will find somewhere else to ooze from unless you wear the garments head to toe, then you can barely move, much less breathe! Unless i win the lottery and have a total body make over, I don't see much hope for being attractive ever. I may just have to learn to be happy with just being healthy and avoid staring at parts of me all out of place in the mirror. That's a sad result when I think about all of the hard work and time I put into keeping my weight down. Seems like Mother Nature could at least reward my efforts by letting me appreciate what I see in the mirror.

     It seems pretty hopeless, yet I keep pushing myself just as I have every time I get in weightloss mode. My husband is unconcerned for the most part because he just doesn't understand my personal battle with this. His answer to losing weight is just to stop stuffing one's face. He doesn't want a fat wife and my insecurities with that issue force me to do what I have to in order to keep weight off or get numbers down. He is not my cheer squad when things are going good either or one to throw out compliments now and then. But when I gained 7 pounds back not long ago during a slump, he did notice and comment on the fact I was getting fat. Matter of fact, I think he was woofing down a bag of powdered donuts right before he told me that, Bless his heart. So as you can see, this puts me in the arena all alone when it comes to my weight, with no support group in sight, but that's okay. I can do this. I have found ways to motivate myself by reading and just getting into my own little world of inspiration during my work outs. On bad days I try to stay occupied as I just pray to win the lottery so I can afford to have cosmetic surgery! 

     I love my family and I love my husband, wanting to be around and able to take care of them for years to come. I'm gonna keep a blog going about my progress and maybe even my failures. Maybe my readers can be my support group and even perhaps provide some diet tips I may not have tried that will help. Maybe I will win that lottery. Maybe some kind millionaire or plastic surgeon will read my blog and take on my 'body make over' as their charitible project like we sometimes see on television. I won't be holding my breath waiting for that to happen. My husband told me not long ago that his vision seemed to be getting way worse as he gets older. I told him that was a good thing for me because then he would not be able to see how ugly and fat I may get as I get older. He has no idea how much I probably meant that statement, but being the devoted, loving wife that I am, I did schedule his annual eye exam. I laugh as I see that I am my own worst enemy in so many ways as I struggle with what I always think of myself. I need to learn how to love that gal and have more faith in her. Maybe I can work on that too.